When someone has disclosed their sexual assault to you they are in great pain. They are taking great risk. The person is afraid you will reject, blame, or shame them or not be supportive. Most people want more than anything to forget what happened and move on, but that is not the reality of what they face. That person has typically already rejected parts of themselves, blamed themselves, and shamed themselves. This person has continued to live their life and courageously fight to create an identity where their sexual assault is not causing pain. When someone shares their story with you, you are in a very important role. This person has chosen you as someone who is trustworthy, reliable, and caring. You should NOT tell them what to do or what you would have done. You need to respect their decisions and their story.
Believe their experience: Traumatic memories are often disorganized and the brain cannot tolerate remembering certain details of what happened. Your job is not to get the story and determine if it really happened. Your job is to listen and accept their experience. Your job is to know that your loved one has experienced an unimaginable situation. You will probably never fully understand and that’s okay.
Don’t ask for details: Like I said, traumatic memories are different from other memories. When remembered the brains of trauma survivors react as if they were in the moment of the assault. Even if it seems like it’s helpful in the moment, reactivation of trauma can cause decreased eating, disrupted sleep, hyper-vigilance, and emotional dysregulation. None of these symptoms are weakness and many people will not show you this side. These are signs of someone managing the unmanageable. Therapy is helpful to develop the tools for management.
Physical boundaries: After an assault your once affectionate loved one might have physical boundary changes. Once a hug or a pat on the back would have been comforting. Now their autonomic nervous system might react as if touch is a threat. Offer a hug or wait for the person to reach out to you.
Safety: Your loved one might not feel safe anymore. There is not much you can do to change that immediately. Safety will have to be built up over time. Your presence and support will help increase a sense of safety. Remind them they are not alone through words and actions frequently.
Focus on strengths: What did your loved one do to be proactive? DO NOT EVER make statements about what should have been done. You weren’t there. Assailants are not reasonable people and I guarantee your loved one did all they could to protect themselves using fight, flight, or freeze, instinctual protective responses. Make statements recognizing their strengths.
Tell them it was not their fault: Tell them this strongly and frequently. Many people will inadvertently or directly blame them. You will not be one of those people.
Follow up: Sexual assault can impact people for years after an assualt. Even if you feel uncomfortable, follow up periodically. As a trusted confidant your support really will make a difference.
Do not label the experience: Some women are in denial about their sexual assault. Do not use labels such as rape, sexual abuse, or sexual assault unless your loved one uses it first. Do not label them as a victim, a survivor, or a thriver unless they use it first. These are all parts of their experience and many want to create an identity apart from their sexual assault. You can express similar sentiments without labeling a person:
- Survivor “you survived”
- Victim “you are a victim of a crime, but you survived”
- Thriver “you seem like you are thriving in the face of adversity”
- Rape/sexual assault “sounds like you did not want that sexual behavior”
Lies that traumatized survivors often tell themselves or are told by others; and what is actually true.
“It was my fault”
“I deserved it because I was…”
“No one really believes me”
“I will never be okay”
Truths to share:
No one is at fault for a sexual assault.
No one deserved to be assaulted.
I believe you.
I know you are not okay now. I am here for you.
Other resources:
https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault
https://sapac.umich.edu/SupportServices
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/27/smarter-living/sexual-abuse-assault-support-mental-health.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vr8LMgGr-M
https://www.bustle.com/articles/168835-7-little-ways-to-support-sexual-assault-survivors
